Xenon

I'm absolutely torn directly in two.

Autumn... how does she do this to me? I want abnegation from her so bad, and yet almost at the very same time I want complete unity with her.

The only things left that are repulsing me are her distance and her fat. She's changed her life so much since I've known her but I still don't want her as she is. Brutally honest, I know, but that's what it has come down to. I'm not going to make mistakes I've made before. I'm gonna be realistic.

Would it be unacceptable to refrain from getting back together with her until I'm physically attracted to her? and in the meantime pursue others? or is the mere fact that I think that way a portent of my flawed nature as a selfish bastid. I want it all! You can't begrudge me trying to get that! Even if I do have to break her heart, I tried my very hardest to avoid it, better than most guys would, I care; I swear I care!

I'll do it anyway, damn me!