One month later...

Uh... so there's been a little drama.

She loves me more than I love her. I recognize her love because I've felt the same love for someone... And when that someone broke up with me my life was broken, unmitigably obliterated. I love Autumn back, but guardedly, and that's why I can't let the same pain be unleashed on her. That's all I'm afraid of.

I truly want us to work out too, but I'm not so set on it that 90 days won't see me back on my feet if this one gets nuked.

Lately, weird stuff has been going through my head though. Like, she's more annoying than usual, or all the things about her that I don't want to live the rest of my life with.

So apparently if she doesn't change, her heart may risk destruction. But that's not really something you can just tell someone. I know she's going to change, she's not even done growing up yet. She still has a lot of evolution to go through.

I'm for real.

The win

I like her and most of the drama is over. Heartsies!













(I don't know what the point of that whole thing was)

Close

Yet far. Not sure how I feel about five hour messenger marathons. -_-

ious

Looks like I'll face round two of parent confrontation alone. I'm way weaker alone. *prays*

Now that I've gone against all odds and found love, my biggest fear is losing it. But I will die before I let that happen.

Ser

Ate lunch with Autumn and my parents today. It was okay; all the food was really really good. We just ate and chatted like normal. I'm so glad nothing awkward came up. ^____________________________^ I think they'll like my new girlfriend.

I sure like her. I really hope I don't mess up on this one. She changes my life. n__n

Bus Ride

I'm anticipating bringing Autumn home to meet my parents. I wasn't too worried about it, but I know what they're going to say, I've been mulling it over trying to come up with good responses.

I know there are "right reasons" and "wrong reasons" for going out. One of the "wrong reasons" I think they'll bring up is the "mutual usage" thing, where we're just using each other to get off. And I know I'm very selfish natured and so are a lot of humans, but despite that I know I'm not so self serving as to involve someone else's entire life and emotions in a game catering to something as meaningless as my own feelings.

That's impossible, I couldn't possibly treat another human that way, no matter how much we both enjoy it... But it's hard to prove. Words are cheap, I can say "I really have her best interest at heart" all day, but without actions, without good fruit coming from our relationship my words are hollow.

That's why I have decided to keep my mind set on making my reasons "good reasons". It's really not much harder than trying to keep my motives pure, with that goal in mind I won't go wrong.

I won't forget it.

I lof my lyf

I just had a "long", "serious" conversation with Autumn that ended like this:

(This is the abridged version)

Me: so you think you're immune to any act of mine creeping you out?

Her: yes, I'm immune
my thoughts are probably way creepier

Me: Ok, that's awesome. One more reason to <3 you.

Her: okay I <3 you
(I think we should only drop the L word when the time is perfect)

Me: sounds like a good idea to me! I lof you.
^_____^

Her: I lof you to

Me: lol

*Autumn is offline

...

Best girlfriend evar.

Time is a figment of Our Imagination

It's a good thing I've got a good imagination.

Wes sez

Talk is cheap. Have actions to back it up.

She won't support you. (Monetarily)

Persuasiveness is guiding vital truths around others' mental roadblocks.

(He said a lot more but that's all I can recall at the moment.)

Do it for the lolz

So I'm dating Autumn now.

But my 'rents disapprove.

Meh. -_-

Now we're getting somewhere!(?)

Autumn confessed that she thinks she likes me and I confessed that I think I like her. I think we're um... something... I don't really know what. It's fun.

Dragon Drop Soup

I think she likes me.
Does any of that matter?
I think I like her.

My life will be risked tomorrow.

I'm... hesitant. You know how girls can be though...

Number one fear: Girls. It has to be conquered sooner or later. Might as well embrace Risk Of Death.

1000 Asks

You ask for something a thousand times you never expect to get it...

And when you do get it, what do you do with it?

A difficult time in my life

Whew... my life has been perfectly tumultuous lately.

I'm getting all kinds of signals from all kinds of places, messages about life. Pop culture, counter culture, Christian culture and all the conflicting ideas inside.

I guess I'm ready for a change in my life. I was hit with the realization that the entire rest of my life is going to be miserable. But that's only if something doesn't happen to change it. I just want something interesting to happen. I mean, like, I could just give up on school and drive to California and make my way aimlessly till I die. Who says that that path will be the "worse" one for me. I can't even define "worse" or "better" for my life. Nothing matters after I die, which is the only thing that is for certain.

I could just hurry up and die... but I don't think I've got enough living in yet. There are so many things I want to experience! And from now on, instead of just thinking about them, I've going to try to accomplish them! (and when that happens maybe I won't want to get it over with and die.)

Drop

"It's a beautiful world we live in... Mostly cuz you're here."

I wish I had someone in my life to drop that line on. Not just for the sake of dropping the line; but because I wish that I really felt that way about someone. I'm realizing how lacking in honesty I've been. Well, it's gonna be that way no more.

(I'm a fake, cowardly, jerk-off bastard. There, I said it. Now I've got nothing left to lie about.)

It's pretty damn awesome

Haha, I'm like, whoa. I don't even know what to think about, but if I did, I'd think about it and be like, "whoa...."

Heavy...

Password Incorrect

Have you ever gone to log onto your computer and when you entered your password you didn't enter it quite right. So you tried again, and the second one wasn't right either. And you only get three tries before it locks you out. So you type it a third time and double check it and do everything you can possibly do to get it right.

But it's wrong. Again.

And your computer locks up, and there's nothing you can do. After it's locked nothing you try can get a response. The computer is my heart. The passwords... well, they're my exes. My failures. And now there's no way to move forward. I'm utterly useless to anyone.

My heart is locked up like a computer...

Isaiah 29:12-16

Once in a while it feels like God is talking straight to me. I'm totally a pot telling the potter He don't know nuthing.

I am lost

Living like this is pointless. Trying to change it, so far, is pointless as well. I tried confidence, I tried perseverance, I tried intellectualism. I had them for breakfast today. (Thanks, Anders.)

Finding footing (and failing)

I'm kind of meandering aimlessly, angstily through life. Humans are good at adapting. I'll figure it out. What, what, what, what...

Useless and Excuseless (part 2)

I don't even know what to feel right now. Nothing.. nothing.... nothing......(?)

Turns out a girl I thought I might like has a boyfriend, so there's nothing there anymore. But I didn't like her that much, so I'm okay with that....(?) Irregardlessly, I've been as irresponsible with my thoughts, emotions and actions as ever. And as with fun, I must pay; as with fire, I'll burn.

Anything I do from now on has to be for my sake. Despite my belief that there are new things under the sun, I'm pretty sure all my pursuits are a chasing after the wind.

COME BACK HERE, YOU DAMNED WIND!

Yoyos are too fun to ignore.

The world yoyo contest was amazing; better than expected even with my high expectations. I got some new throws for my collection:


---

I learned new tricks, met friends new and old, soaked up the atmosphere of love for yoyos. It was pretty encouraging. I think from now on I'm going to take yoyoing even more seriously.... If that's even possible.

Love

I can put it on hold. The World Yoyo Contest is in two days. I will leave this world and exist on another plane; a world where everyone loves yoyos, everyone is your friend, everyone is interesting and interested. Ah...

Final Level! End Boss Struggles!

In some ways I've progressed from last entry. In many ways I'm right back where I was. The very last step in the sequence is lost to me. I refer to the part where I tell her. It's harder than the hardest end boss from any video I've ever beaten. (For the record that was the end boss from Final Fantasy Legend 2. I nerded out there. I apologize for nothing!)

Anyway, I'm past questioning anything, I'm there. I'm just standing around next to the water, too afraid to jump in.

I like... ah... don't know.

I didn't want to like this girl this much. When I talk to her my heart races. I sweat profusely. My mouth gets dry. I probably emit all kinds of pheromones, hormones and theremins. I can't stop thinking about her.

Then again... I have to do something, right? To be passive would counteract my right to passion as a human!

An inconclusive conclusion

Well, I had a truly wonderful weekend. So I guess I'm out of that funk I was in.

Alas, I don't have something new and profound to help me through life. For now it just comes down to this:

Keep on trucking with life, religion, love, everything; and just really don't take things too seriously. Live more, laugh more. Look for beauty: seek out that which won't come on it's own.

That's pretty much all I can come up with for the time. Something will happen eventually.

This is Terrific!

Just kidding.

Right now -every day- I feel that my life is absolutely wrecked. There are moments when I can fake it or distract myself, but a feeling of failure permeates so deep it hurts.

---

I don't want to forget that. Because I know in later days I will once again revel in a world of bright colors, rich tastes and truly pleasant feelings... and I want to hold on to whatever changes my life, setting it as my absolute priority. In other words I'll willingly hand over my soul to whatever grace saves me from the suffering I can now hardly abide.

Clearly the next logical step points toward acceptance of religion, the discovery of "true love", a philosophical epiphany, or something -anything- that has the power to dramatically alter this life I call my life.

It has just been so bleak recently, and all I want is for something to work. I try, really try, so...hard... to live life the way God wants, in my actions, thoughts, beliefs, and desires of my heart.... I don't know everything so I can't say that "it's not working", but, really... is this the way I'm going to feel on nights like this?

As for "Love". I'm so thirsty for love it's just sickening. Feels like I'm shutting down like one dying of dehydration. Sometimes I'm not so sure I can be revived, but I'm loath to give up hope. To be honest, I'm just not that good with girls, haha. But I've never been happier than the times when I had girlfriends. All two of them. XD So what can I do but continue to try, and try my best to learn how to be exactly what women love to love. (a.k.a. be a real man? Not one who writes about his dumb feelings on the internet? Yeah, something like that...)

I'll end this rather lugubrious (sorry) post by saying I just had to get those thoughts writ so I can sleep. I think I can slumber in relative peace now.

Cool, haha

So, you know that girl that I may have mentioned liking a while ago? I am getting closer to her. I haven't revealed my feelings (I don't think) and I'm getting more comfortable around her. We're getting to know each other ever so slightly more.

It's hard to just be someone's friend when you're kinda crazy about them, without letting it show.

Yet, I feel that my "cold" or "non-nonchalant" outward behavior is necessary so that I can first cultivate an atmosphere of friendship and trust, before attempting to build a more complex relationship (i.e. a boyfriend-girlfriend sort of thing). I believe the word "ambivalent" applies fairly accurately to my feelings when around her.

So it's interesting and weird lol.

Pose(ur)

It may not show up too good in this picture, but the shirt came out really nice. I like it a lot. It had a tiny bit of overspray to the upper-right.

I now have a Laterna Magika shirt. It feels cool. Even though this blog has zero following and practically zero meaning, haha! &____&

Here, I darwed you a pichur

This is the Laterna Magika in my mind.

I plan to print it out on card stock, cut out the grey matter and use the resulting stencil on a purple shirt with silver spray paint. I'll probably post a picture of the result.

What can I give of myself?

I need to give something. But what? I'm not one for eloquent words, or timely autobiographical anecdotes... or timely anything at all for that matter.

Oh well. ^_________^

I can hear her voice now.

Does rationality even need to be called into question here?

"Revolution."

I like it.

Yeah, Rock n' Roll

I'm a reader of sleeptalkinman.blogspot.com. It's really funny. I mean... It's an acute source of happiness pretty consistently. Anyway, I read the July 11th post.

Quoth he: "Okay. Brace yourself. I can't be held responsible for the fallout. You ready? I Like You. Yeah, rock 'n roll."

I'm overwhelmed with curiosity at what would happen next if I were to say that to a girl, delivering it just like he does. It would almost be worth trying.

>____K

The Unacceptable Adventure of Boot the Brave and Sock the Conqueror

I've been writing a story. I call it "Boot and Sock" for short.

My new blog http://bootandsock.blogspot.com updates with a new page every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Start from Page 1.

This blog (Laterna Magika) will continue to detail the fangorious manner in which my life is being devoured.

I'm feeling better now.

The last blog entry was a little over the top, even by my standards. See, it was late, and I had just watched Casino Royale. It was the most heartbreaking movie I've ever seen and it makes me want to bawl my eyes out just thinking about it. :'(

It's just so sad... and I empathize with James... What happened to him was the most painful thing ever.

How else am I supposed to feel?

Unmitagably Obliterated

A broken heart is not an attractive heart. And mine is broken into millions of splintered pieces... My chance was missed. As always, I've lost hope.

I didn't want this to be the life that's mine. TT______TT"

Good, Old-Fashioned Escapism

It's not getting any better. If left to myself I get pretty much crazy. That's why I surround myself with my friends as much as possible. I don't know what I will do tomorrow.

I know I went about this all wrong.

The worst thought is, I still don't know what is right. There are two choices, give up or keep fighting.

But there's a third choice. One that is better left unnamed because it's a choice that should remain unknown.

Sturm und Drang

Oh man... The angst is setting in. This is one of those rides that I hate, but I get on it anyway... Like that darn twirly thing at fairs. I just have to wait for it to be over, while wondering if my life will ever reach a state of peace.

Getting Broken

I suppose the part where I break is just part of the process. The outcome is still to be decided, but my passion has faded. That's exactly what breaking is, and it's getting easier.

You bend me and you shake me, you beg me then you break me.

Row, row, row....

I'm still the same utter failure at life as always... but I'm getting therapy from those closest to me.

Nah, I kid. I might be a kid forever. The thought of spending forever the same is nothing less than lugubrious.

It'll all turn out ok, I can be exactly anything I want to be if I put my mind to it.

A Little Rowboat

I'm in the same boat as always when it gets to this point; when I like a girl, but we still don't know each other that well. I never know what to do. I've got no dang clue what to do; play it cool and be normal around her, or go ahead and make my feelings clear to her.

I could end up in the friend zone for life if I just pretend to be "myself", but on the other hand I could alienate her altogether/make a fool of myself if I try to make something happen that clearly cannot happen. I just don't see it till it's too late.

I wish that I didn't feel my emotions so intensely; that I could just be nonchalant about how the situation turns out, so that if she likes me and I like her then great, and otherwise, that's fine too.

From now on it will be something I strive for...

If I could just keep my emotions in check and trust that God will get my back.

:P

She accepted my friend request on facebook. Oh mah goodness!

Just kidding, I'm not like that weird.

I'm just hyperactive.

Lunch

The girl joined the ten or so interns/summer hires who routinely take lunch in the SSPF cafeteria. Anyway, she's like really interesting and cool and talkative and REALLY smart and motivated. (Kind of the antithesis of me...)

She is going to start UCF in the Fall, which happens to be the same school I go to. What a coinkydink. I guess we'll probably end up friends of some kind no matter what I do.... Which is nice. :)

Thanks

Well, dear reader(s), I didn't freeze up or wimp out.

I talked to the girl that I like.

Just being able to say that... is pretty huge for me. Haha. But in the grand scheme that still doesn't really mean much at all. Although, she asked me to get her when I go to lunch tomorrow... and we can talk some more.

I'm interested to see what happens next!

True Luck

There's this girl that I like. OMG. But ARRRGGGG I'm doing what I always do and doubting, and closing off and DOING IT WRONGGGG!!! NO! Listen up, Bradley, I can't let you do that! I'm sick of me cramping my style. >______>

"Then.... why don't you end this?"

Luck and Love

I feel that Luck and Love go hand in hand.

It's not a simple thing, finding love, and I attribute this to luck. A lot of things have to happen just right for love to happen. It involves a myriad of factors with varying degrees of chance all being juggled, precariously being tossed around in the window we view our lives through.

And yet most people think they will be lucky enough to experience love.

I think I was at one time, but now it's over.

I missed the chance I could've had.

TT_____TT

Reasons for being good.

The way I see it there are two ways to be good.

"God-good" and "Earth-good"

When you act good for the purpose of pleasing God it's God-good.
When you act good because you could go to jail/get punched/don't have time to do evil, that's Earth good.

Right now I feel like everything I'm doing is mere Earth good and my conscience is numb to the rest.

That all.


...
P.s. I accidentally wrote "Earth-goo". I thought it was funy. I'll write more about it later.

I'm at a record for followers

Now my blog has three people following it! Woohoo!

The only way to find this blog is to find it via my facebook. But it's not often that anyone looks up that info on my page... Which is interesting. I never look it up on other people's pages so I suppose it makes sense.

I don't overtly advertise the fact that I have a blog because I don't really care if the things I write down here get read.

Flow

Let's see... what's on my mind...

The natural flow of my life has caused me to leave behind things I miss dearly.

I start to feel nostalgic, melancholy and morose.

But what am I doing wasting my time with thoughts that darken my mood?

=TT____TT=

My name is Rednoy Revo

...and I have trouble being close to people.



















"Nooooo...."

Society emphasized

Wesley gave me a stern lecture about my drug habit, my social skills, and stuff like that.

I don't have a drug habit, nor do I have social skills, but the topic of his rant was interesting nonetheless.

It seems that he's outgoing and extroverted, to a good degree. but I'm introverted and quiet... too much so. He gave me a few tips like put money in people's bank, wade through all the dicks to find a cool person (his words, not mine), find ways to enjoy people, and get them talking about their interests.

He also informed me that I shouldn't eat a bunch of mushrooms because it'll make you puke, you'll be alone, and you might as well smoke pot.

Thanks for meddling in my affairs once again... that's what big brothers are for. ;)

Honey and Clover

This is an anime I've been watching, I don't totally get it, but it's fun and entertaining to watch. I just watched episode 5. This episode can stand alone pretty well, so if you want a taste of what the show is like, watch it. You won't be missing much from not seeing the previous ones.

"Okay! Chill."

Hey it's actually working. The attempt to make myself more open-minded, easy-going, and patient has put less pressure on me when it comes to girls and I'm able to better talk to them in a coherent and confident manner. I'm insecure as hell itself, but there may just be hope.

Like, probably not though. (Probably putting my security in my looks (which I don't have) or ignoring stark reality. Seems like a greeaaaat plan.)

But don't listen to anything I say, I know deep down I have plenty to be confident about. :)

Shedding Light and Shedding Skin

Laterna Magika. In some language this (probably) means "Magic Lantern". I wish I had a magic lantern that revealed things I wouldn't normally grasp. Like how others feel about me, or what was on the other side of solid walls, or the result of my words and actions before I say or do them... or where I left my invisible jet!

---

I need to change from a hasty single-track mind to a patient, unconcerned open mind. That change might improve my life from sheer misery to a dull aching.

Way to go.

Haha, as expected. Lots of loools.

Again; wasted a perfectly good blog. Sometimes I don't even recognize me.

I find myself thinking there are two kinds of emo; the dumb kind and the kind that I am. ...but I'm afraid they look suspiciously similar.

Eh. Let's start over.

---

My most concise conclusion is:

I'm filled with desire for the very thing I fear. It is torment.

---

I'll never be handed an easy situation to get to know a cool, single girl who just happens to be compatible with me. There are distinct chances I've missed; Lauren, Elena, ect etc. Not a chance anymore; I'm better off if they're dead to my memory. I've got to forget it and look forward to the future. If I can't live in the present I may continue to miss opportunities by failing to recognize what's in front of me. Right now no matter how I look at it, there's just nothing in front of me.

It just sucks.

:)

RRRR....

Ok, so like there's a different girl.

No, there's not. There's a girl from back in the Spring. She's the one I'm having a hard time forgetting. hmmmmm...

Why don't I do something about it so I can move on? I can't. I just don't have a means of talking to her. Why not just forget it and move on? I can't control it that easy. I wish I could, I wish my life presented me with easy situations involving ideal conditions.

Nope.

p.s. I usually get a good laugh out of reading these kinds of posts in the future. Silly Bwadley.

Grrrrr... Egrrrrr....

So like, there's this girl.

Just kidding. That's impossible.

If she finds TGS9 hilarious, then maybe. Otherwise, not-a-chance. Hell yeah.

My Life as an Intard

Um, like, I've got an internship (intardship, hurrr...) with ASRC. Not sure what that stands for but it's probably either Aperture Science and Robotics Company or Arctic Slope Regional Corporation. (What? Portal reference!)

Anyway, It takes up a lot of time, but all that time getting taken up is refunded by MUNNY! (Or so I've been told. First paycheck is Friday.)(Kingdom Hearts reference for extra credit)

I worked my butt off today. I like, wiped the flux off some parts, cut some wires and RTV'd some labels onto a metal panel with electronics. I mean, people gotta know which component is TB1 and which is VR1, not to mention PS1 and F3-F5. Totally doing big things. *sticks out tongue in a facetious manner*

So it continues. (Wish I could say that in Latin and sound all suave.)

Your Thesis is Dookie

I hate when people over-analyze relationships. I mean, the speculations, the ideas, the clever remedies that people come up with when observing others' actions -they're all useless. Because no matter what conclusion you draw, there's always someone -usually me; sometimes someone I know- who is nothing at all like what you describe. And besides that, how can you really know the heart of someone except yourself? So what's the use of trying to "figure out" humanity?

It's such a waste.

That's why my approach is one of intentional unassuming lollercopterality. Further, that exaplains why I haven't successfully asked out a girl in over four years.

Now I'ma go cry.

[P] [r] [o] [b] [a] [b] [l] [y] [?]

Agoraphobia.

Shadow.

Uncomfortable.

Empty.

---

Greeaaattt.... I'm doing everything wrong. Have for a long time.

Facebook + parents = lols

The addition of facebook and many things are quite laughable. On the top of that pile is parents. Well, mine at least.

My dad created a facebook account like three weeks ago and still has no friends. He and mom sat there searching people from their past for like an hour tonight. It was weird! Mom just sits there on her facebook account not checking messages, notifications or friend requests, leaving a perpetual red box in the corner of the screen. She also randomly asks dumb questions out loud and trolls photos of friends of friends.

It makes me want to unfriend and lock down my privacy a lot more... but on the other hand, I won't throw that stone... If you're gonna dish it out you gotta be willing to take it.

Not like my life has much interesting going on for me to post on facebook.

No Matter What You Hope to Achieve

Allow me to introduce the very best puzzle games on the internet. I like them because they are actually hard, and not full of ads, blinking, and lights.

Give Simon Tatham's Portable Puzzle Collecton a try. But don't get addicted. I suggest playing the games between work, not instead of work. It's nice to play them while doing homework and switch back and forth so you don't get too sick of one or the other. :)

My current favorite is Loopy on the honeycomb or cairo setting. Other faves include Galaxies, Slant, Blackbox, and Bridges.

They might seem impossibly complicated and hard to understand at first, but don't be fooled! getting past the initial confusion and figuring out the rules is well worth it!

Precisely Innacurate

Yesterday I pretended to do "parkour", whatever mumbo-jumbo that is. I ended up climbing a tree aaaannnddd pushing earth out of orbit. It's dumb and I hope I never do it again.

Anyway, I hope your dreams at night are better than mine. I made the decision to launch all nukes and destroy the world. ...Then regretted it as I realized I would be included in the destruction and ran for cover. (probably a metaphor for my life) I woke up too soon to know what happened next or remember the events leading up to that part. :/

C'mon dream-land, don't leave me hangin' like that.

This Night is Dark

Backstorytime:

My life as of today is comprised of the following subsets:

Religion (or lack thereof)
Heavy metal, emo and electro-indie music
My best friends (all two of them)
The technical mastery of yoyos
Nerding out about anime (otaku'ing it up)
Pursuit of education and a career
Longing for a girlfriend (I guess there's no way to sugar coat that one. TT____TT)



In this iteration of interweb logbooking (a.k.a blogging) I'm going to write:

How I really feel and think

What it is I'm really feeling/thinking about and...

Make it friend/family/employer safe. I'll write it in such a way as to allow anyone to see without worrying about what they think...

To end my inaugural entry I'll leave with a weird picture of me.