Catharsis

That's what it is. I'm purging the horrible. It's like a soul vomit.

So if it disgusts you as it does me, don't keep looking.

It's supposed to be unattractive.

I like catharsis.

not mine.

Why do I write this stuff?

I wonder if I write stuff down here in case someone unknown person reads it and... I dunno, saves me? Does something dramatic to my life? It would probably kill me honestly. Oh well, I like dying/am already dead. (but it doesn't have anything to do with words, here, there or anywhere.)

Bubble

I always seem to stumble into the land of laterna magika when in a heavy mood. Whenever there are glimpses of happiness in my life is when I'm farthest away from here. So this post is dedicated to those moments.

I went tricking today and I felt happiness while in the air and free. Not many people can say that. As crestfallen as I get sometimes (see pretty much all my other posts) I have a body and living conditions that can support a tricking lifestyle. If I fall away from that it's my own fault for squandering one of the few footholds I have.

Music. It is beautiful. There are so many good songs out there and I have access to them. That's a rope thrown to me to pull me out of depression's mire. I like trance and sexy dirty vocals and RHCP and more if I cared to continue.

Yoyos. When there's nothing left to do, yoyo. It's always there, never shifting, forever standing strong. I escape into another world when I yoyo, no matter where I am I can escape if I want to.

My friends are pretty good. some of them not so much, but you get out what you put it and it's my fault if friendships are crumbling. But anyway, for some reason spending time with freinds brings me joy.

Xbox games are fun. Sorta hollow and limited as to quantity of enjoyment, but nevertheless, there are moods that are perfect for relying on a game to get me through the day.

I live with a really good guy, Drew. Best room mate ever kinda guy. The living conditions as far as domestic life are pretty nice. And we're getting along together pretty well. (I think.)

I'm watching Black Cat which is a reallly good anime. Just what I want out of anime. I was watching Ao No Exorcist which is even better and super awesome, but it is still airing so I have to wait a week between episodes. TT______TT

So those are the kinds of things that I love. Let's see.... how well do they stack up against my troubles....?

I have no girlfriend and no love, I have almost no money and minimal food, God's got His back to me (and I don't blame Him, I've been behaving quite heathenistically, lately), I'm in debt pretty bad, I don't have a future, I'm failing really badly at a class that will holistically obliterate my college career if I don't pass this time.

I guess it's a toss up, an optimist would say all-in-all it's a pretty great life, but a pessimist would say it's totally crappy and all kinds of miserable.

One more thing; I don't know what I am anymore. I guess I'm undecided on the optimist/pessimist thing and attitude in general.

Ah well, I suppose I can't trouble myself with how I feel about life. It's not like my perceptions of how I am even matters. It is unnecessary information.

Placebo

My latest lugubrious theory on love.

The placebo effect; a person is given a thing and told it will have an effect on them in some way, while the thing intrinsically has no power to affect said effect, the effect is gained by the person believing there is a power at work.

I can see that possibly happening with the notion that "Love" is some mystical and powerful *thing* that people can feel for each other or have between them. If they believe they have this "Love" then they can cling to it as a basis for trying harder and making their relationship work out.

For example, "I can't break my alcohol addiction no matter what I try, I'm going to give up!"
"But I love you, I will never give you up!"
"I love you too, I'll try harder!" *breaks addiction.*

In such a scenario where their feelings for each other were exactly the same but they didn't have this notion of "Love", things might not have worked out. It's easy to imagine the alcoholic succumbing to his addiction despite feeling very strong attraction to his wife.

Anyway, how else do you explain the way "Love" can disappear so fast and be so unstable. Not to mention the fact that everyone is searching for it and nothing seems to work for finding it.

But, the way I see it, if that's true then I'm going to be forever alone. And if I truly believed I was going to be forever alone I would end my life now. I haven't killed myself yet, therefore on some level deep inside of me I think I won't be forever alone. And that means that my notion of "Love" must be false.

"Love"....I'll find it one day...

I just need a girl who thinks and feels the same way about stuff as I do and I'm set. Easy right? Gah, as usual, I'm a super weird, marginalized, outlying, oddity of the computer age.

(Having this pathetic and readerless blog doesn't help that fact.)

P.s. Half the crap I write on here I don't actually believe. I don't buy into my own propaganda. I just want to express my insanity.

gggrrraaawwwrrrlll

I awakened the beast inside me. I woke it up when I had my first kiss. And since then it hasn't gone back to sleep, and it has driven me. I can't make it go back to sleep and nothing I do satisfies it. So for now it rages within me tearing up my insides. Do I let it keep raging and destroy me in hopes that one day I'll find a love that can quell it, or kill it forever so I never feel again and.... stop wasting my thoughts on horrible metaphors? :D

Nah, but seriously. Times are kinda bothersome when there's an ache inside me that doesn't seem to have any intention of going away.

That's why I'm crazy, by the way. I do stuff like weird drawings, video game binges right before exams, not working and other methods of running my life into the ground all traceable back to that one reason.

As usual, reason's got nothing to do with it.

More Dreams

Holy crap I had a cool dream. In my dream I was making dubstep music by sliding and tapping my fingers on my abs. I was in front of this complex turntable-like configuration of music and amplification equipment. it had lots of LEDs and wires and controls.

That was the funnest dream I had. I also had one about being chased by a bull and breaking into a place I shouldn't be, and some others I can't remember but I know I had them, because one involved a dog, and one involved jumping off a cliff into water at night.

Love sick

I don't know what the phrase love sick is supposed to mean, but I have something that has to do with love and is a sickness.

The one I love will never know it. She's too good for me and will probably never be attracted to my type. But I can't change, I am willing but unable. It's too huge a change, it's the culmination of my entire life thus far. It is my identity, I am me.

I don't even know if I would need to change, I don't even know this girl anymore really. I just know how amazing she is in every way.

That's my claim to depression. I know there's a perfect one, but access is denied.

Some other guy better than me will end up with her, will make her happy, and my existence will never be known.

How can I move on?

How I'm doing it now is substituting my fantasy world for the real world...

Imagine a lifetime in which I had never met any girl at all before. I would be very scared of them, and at first show no friendliness. Then, I would overcome my fear and in a moment of triumph I would talk to a girl. She would be perfect for me and so would I for her and our love would blossom without any hidrence. The good feelings would start at that moment and never leave us as long as we were together.

As in...

I'm so psych ward bound if I don't do something about this...

Skeletonized as I am

Last night I dreamed two things.

I asked a guy from Georgia who had just won over a million dollars for a thousand dollars and he refused. Which is just as well because it was in a dream and I would have been dissapoint when I woke up if I thought he was going to give me the money. I just don't understand why someone would be greedy after receiving that kind of grace.

The other thing I dreamed was that my dad saw this picture in my sketchbook and his remark was about my spelling of Augie Fash's name. It is a strange name.

I want to make a quick comment on yesterday's post: I was in a place I don't often go. I wonder if it is chemical... A strange feeling comes over me. I become a kind of abyssally abysmal abominable snowman. The kind of man who doesn't have anyone to call his own.

Is that really what I wanted me to say? -__-

Faulty Robot as I am.

I need a girl who's just like me basically. I mean is that so hard? Why do I have to be so weird. It's more than hard, there's not gonna be one.

I'm a universally incompatible being. Might as well be a robot.

I'm faulty.

The story of my life is a not even a tragedy, it is below that. I accomplish nothing and strive for nothing. My efforts are a chasing after the wind.

Your stack of empathy has long run out, oh great void as thou art.

I just want to become another person. A faceless man, not to have the weight of morality and responsibility hanging on my neck.

No-one gets me. I'm so far gone I hear as much from Him as I hear echoes from this void I now voice my complaint to. If God saves me it will be a testament to his truly infinite power.

Fault...

I'm choking on my own faulty ribs...

It is quite plain from the given information that the symptoms, my being unable to find love and my shear lostness, are a result of the disease, my great fault. But it's a deep hole I've dug and as fun as shovel-work is, I may never leave this grave.

The thought... "If I do..." shines like a gleam of hope coming from a star peering down from above my pit. If I dig myself out, If I make it to that place up there. I might find her there. I might escape my symptoms.

I'm Lonely and Empty Inside

I have Girl-Loss Disorder. (GLD) Its symptoms feel like ennui with a subterranean pressure in your brain telling you that this moment, if your life were as it should be, this moment would be spent in bliss with the woman you love.

But it's not and it won't be.

That is my heavy case of GLD.

I've lost the first and second loves of my life. No other has ever compared to those. I don't think this crappy and fallen world with ever show me another like either of them.

I am done, wasted, a ruin, without use in the life I live. I'm a romantic, I desperately need love, if even a mere trickle, to continue. But I can't keep chasing insincere, make-shift variables. I'm too beaten and broken from those to risk another, the next must be the real One, the true love of my life. The One that makes me forget what world I live in, the One whose every frequency resonates through every particle of my being.

Will my despair overtake me before I find the One, or will I trudge through the desert, past the mirages and find a beautiful and lush oasis?

If I do, will what's left of me be enough to matter?

In my face

The day I wrote that thing about friends and paying and stuff it was exemplified in a kind of bad way.

I had been playing my roommate's xbox a lot and he finally let me know how he felt about it. And I was so in the wrong. We talked it over and it's a good thing we did because he was about ready to get a new roommate. I'm so sorry for what I've done. It's true I didn't pay for it, and I was having fun at a friend's expense, but I was giving nothing back, and therefore taking advantage.

I'M SO SORRY DREW! I'LL NEVER LET IT HAPPEN AGAAIIIINNNNNN!!! '&__&, TT___TT ...