Tumblr

I got a tumblr because I don't have enough pointless time wasters on the internet.

Here you go! http://escapes1and2.tumblr.com/

Escape Two

Escape Two

Behind the dark night's dark blind, a perfect place to hide. The lidless ghosts and their endless clones swallow up resplendent woes. In the muteness and the darkness and the dulling feeling all too heartless, I find new feeling, new pools of liquid thought-sauce, tasting ever so appealing. It is in this midnight nuance that I cast life's gloom off. It is not a blessed world, it is not a light or pleasant world. It is a messy world, apocalypse-imbued and worn. In this forsaken wasteland lies, a monument to my demise, the last locked room in my strong-tower, pooling all it's pent-up power, ever longing to devour, awaits the coming zero hour. I am here now and my heart falls, the tightness in my chest is gone. This forgotten place, this fortress of solitude, now a fortress of disgrace. Here in peace I forget the tragedy; she was never here, not in thought or in memory. Here in rapturous delirium, in a staring contest with the back of my eyelids, ad ifinitum.

---

I'm not sure if I'm done with it yet, at points I ignore meter and some of the phrasing might be improved upon. Anyway, that's that. I am derpressed. derp derp derp. -_-

Escape One

Red skies loom above my bed, hurried voices in my head, the walls lean in to sneak a listen, all the smaller grows my prison. Dark shadows ripple gray and shifting, passing by like ghost ships drifting, My heart is sinking in my chest, into lost and unknown depths. Ages pass in moments black, rumble off and thunder back, In the pit of my despair, not yet gone, not quite all there.

Then... the hallucinogens kick in, I make new friends, the day begins

I see trees and people, turquoise and purple, dogs and cats, dark blue and black, fish and birds biting worms, evenly dividing thirds. I look at the ceiling or the sky, a swirling sea passing by, I stare for a while to see what I wanna, I see fractal filled nirvana. I'm wasting my time, thus sayeth my mind, I find my pants in a trance, let the colors flow and dance.

Ponder

Ok, well. I don't know why, but I was informed that I won't be renewing my lease here. So it is goodbye to my old roommate, Drew, who may have betrayed me or may have had no say in the decision. He feels like a frenemy, and as we all know it's better to have enemies or no friends, than a frenemy.

But, there it is, I am moving back in with my destructive and judgmental P and M. If I manage to keep them from destroying what's left of my identity and self-worth, I'll be seeing you later.

Catharsis

That's what it is. I'm purging the horrible. It's like a soul vomit.

So if it disgusts you as it does me, don't keep looking.

It's supposed to be unattractive.

I like catharsis.

not mine.

Why do I write this stuff?

I wonder if I write stuff down here in case someone unknown person reads it and... I dunno, saves me? Does something dramatic to my life? It would probably kill me honestly. Oh well, I like dying/am already dead. (but it doesn't have anything to do with words, here, there or anywhere.)

Bubble

I always seem to stumble into the land of laterna magika when in a heavy mood. Whenever there are glimpses of happiness in my life is when I'm farthest away from here. So this post is dedicated to those moments.

I went tricking today and I felt happiness while in the air and free. Not many people can say that. As crestfallen as I get sometimes (see pretty much all my other posts) I have a body and living conditions that can support a tricking lifestyle. If I fall away from that it's my own fault for squandering one of the few footholds I have.

Music. It is beautiful. There are so many good songs out there and I have access to them. That's a rope thrown to me to pull me out of depression's mire. I like trance and sexy dirty vocals and RHCP and more if I cared to continue.

Yoyos. When there's nothing left to do, yoyo. It's always there, never shifting, forever standing strong. I escape into another world when I yoyo, no matter where I am I can escape if I want to.

My friends are pretty good. some of them not so much, but you get out what you put it and it's my fault if friendships are crumbling. But anyway, for some reason spending time with freinds brings me joy.

Xbox games are fun. Sorta hollow and limited as to quantity of enjoyment, but nevertheless, there are moods that are perfect for relying on a game to get me through the day.

I live with a really good guy, Drew. Best room mate ever kinda guy. The living conditions as far as domestic life are pretty nice. And we're getting along together pretty well. (I think.)

I'm watching Black Cat which is a reallly good anime. Just what I want out of anime. I was watching Ao No Exorcist which is even better and super awesome, but it is still airing so I have to wait a week between episodes. TT______TT

So those are the kinds of things that I love. Let's see.... how well do they stack up against my troubles....?

I have no girlfriend and no love, I have almost no money and minimal food, God's got His back to me (and I don't blame Him, I've been behaving quite heathenistically, lately), I'm in debt pretty bad, I don't have a future, I'm failing really badly at a class that will holistically obliterate my college career if I don't pass this time.

I guess it's a toss up, an optimist would say all-in-all it's a pretty great life, but a pessimist would say it's totally crappy and all kinds of miserable.

One more thing; I don't know what I am anymore. I guess I'm undecided on the optimist/pessimist thing and attitude in general.

Ah well, I suppose I can't trouble myself with how I feel about life. It's not like my perceptions of how I am even matters. It is unnecessary information.

Placebo

My latest lugubrious theory on love.

The placebo effect; a person is given a thing and told it will have an effect on them in some way, while the thing intrinsically has no power to affect said effect, the effect is gained by the person believing there is a power at work.

I can see that possibly happening with the notion that "Love" is some mystical and powerful *thing* that people can feel for each other or have between them. If they believe they have this "Love" then they can cling to it as a basis for trying harder and making their relationship work out.

For example, "I can't break my alcohol addiction no matter what I try, I'm going to give up!"
"But I love you, I will never give you up!"
"I love you too, I'll try harder!" *breaks addiction.*

In such a scenario where their feelings for each other were exactly the same but they didn't have this notion of "Love", things might not have worked out. It's easy to imagine the alcoholic succumbing to his addiction despite feeling very strong attraction to his wife.

Anyway, how else do you explain the way "Love" can disappear so fast and be so unstable. Not to mention the fact that everyone is searching for it and nothing seems to work for finding it.

But, the way I see it, if that's true then I'm going to be forever alone. And if I truly believed I was going to be forever alone I would end my life now. I haven't killed myself yet, therefore on some level deep inside of me I think I won't be forever alone. And that means that my notion of "Love" must be false.

"Love"....I'll find it one day...

I just need a girl who thinks and feels the same way about stuff as I do and I'm set. Easy right? Gah, as usual, I'm a super weird, marginalized, outlying, oddity of the computer age.

(Having this pathetic and readerless blog doesn't help that fact.)

P.s. Half the crap I write on here I don't actually believe. I don't buy into my own propaganda. I just want to express my insanity.

gggrrraaawwwrrrlll

I awakened the beast inside me. I woke it up when I had my first kiss. And since then it hasn't gone back to sleep, and it has driven me. I can't make it go back to sleep and nothing I do satisfies it. So for now it rages within me tearing up my insides. Do I let it keep raging and destroy me in hopes that one day I'll find a love that can quell it, or kill it forever so I never feel again and.... stop wasting my thoughts on horrible metaphors? :D

Nah, but seriously. Times are kinda bothersome when there's an ache inside me that doesn't seem to have any intention of going away.

That's why I'm crazy, by the way. I do stuff like weird drawings, video game binges right before exams, not working and other methods of running my life into the ground all traceable back to that one reason.

As usual, reason's got nothing to do with it.

More Dreams

Holy crap I had a cool dream. In my dream I was making dubstep music by sliding and tapping my fingers on my abs. I was in front of this complex turntable-like configuration of music and amplification equipment. it had lots of LEDs and wires and controls.

That was the funnest dream I had. I also had one about being chased by a bull and breaking into a place I shouldn't be, and some others I can't remember but I know I had them, because one involved a dog, and one involved jumping off a cliff into water at night.

Love sick

I don't know what the phrase love sick is supposed to mean, but I have something that has to do with love and is a sickness.

The one I love will never know it. She's too good for me and will probably never be attracted to my type. But I can't change, I am willing but unable. It's too huge a change, it's the culmination of my entire life thus far. It is my identity, I am me.

I don't even know if I would need to change, I don't even know this girl anymore really. I just know how amazing she is in every way.

That's my claim to depression. I know there's a perfect one, but access is denied.

Some other guy better than me will end up with her, will make her happy, and my existence will never be known.

How can I move on?

How I'm doing it now is substituting my fantasy world for the real world...

Imagine a lifetime in which I had never met any girl at all before. I would be very scared of them, and at first show no friendliness. Then, I would overcome my fear and in a moment of triumph I would talk to a girl. She would be perfect for me and so would I for her and our love would blossom without any hidrence. The good feelings would start at that moment and never leave us as long as we were together.

As in...

I'm so psych ward bound if I don't do something about this...

Skeletonized as I am

Last night I dreamed two things.

I asked a guy from Georgia who had just won over a million dollars for a thousand dollars and he refused. Which is just as well because it was in a dream and I would have been dissapoint when I woke up if I thought he was going to give me the money. I just don't understand why someone would be greedy after receiving that kind of grace.

The other thing I dreamed was that my dad saw this picture in my sketchbook and his remark was about my spelling of Augie Fash's name. It is a strange name.

I want to make a quick comment on yesterday's post: I was in a place I don't often go. I wonder if it is chemical... A strange feeling comes over me. I become a kind of abyssally abysmal abominable snowman. The kind of man who doesn't have anyone to call his own.

Is that really what I wanted me to say? -__-

Faulty Robot as I am.

I need a girl who's just like me basically. I mean is that so hard? Why do I have to be so weird. It's more than hard, there's not gonna be one.

I'm a universally incompatible being. Might as well be a robot.

I'm faulty.

The story of my life is a not even a tragedy, it is below that. I accomplish nothing and strive for nothing. My efforts are a chasing after the wind.

Your stack of empathy has long run out, oh great void as thou art.

I just want to become another person. A faceless man, not to have the weight of morality and responsibility hanging on my neck.

No-one gets me. I'm so far gone I hear as much from Him as I hear echoes from this void I now voice my complaint to. If God saves me it will be a testament to his truly infinite power.

Fault...

I'm choking on my own faulty ribs...

It is quite plain from the given information that the symptoms, my being unable to find love and my shear lostness, are a result of the disease, my great fault. But it's a deep hole I've dug and as fun as shovel-work is, I may never leave this grave.

The thought... "If I do..." shines like a gleam of hope coming from a star peering down from above my pit. If I dig myself out, If I make it to that place up there. I might find her there. I might escape my symptoms.

I'm Lonely and Empty Inside

I have Girl-Loss Disorder. (GLD) Its symptoms feel like ennui with a subterranean pressure in your brain telling you that this moment, if your life were as it should be, this moment would be spent in bliss with the woman you love.

But it's not and it won't be.

That is my heavy case of GLD.

I've lost the first and second loves of my life. No other has ever compared to those. I don't think this crappy and fallen world with ever show me another like either of them.

I am done, wasted, a ruin, without use in the life I live. I'm a romantic, I desperately need love, if even a mere trickle, to continue. But I can't keep chasing insincere, make-shift variables. I'm too beaten and broken from those to risk another, the next must be the real One, the true love of my life. The One that makes me forget what world I live in, the One whose every frequency resonates through every particle of my being.

Will my despair overtake me before I find the One, or will I trudge through the desert, past the mirages and find a beautiful and lush oasis?

If I do, will what's left of me be enough to matter?

In my face

The day I wrote that thing about friends and paying and stuff it was exemplified in a kind of bad way.

I had been playing my roommate's xbox a lot and he finally let me know how he felt about it. And I was so in the wrong. We talked it over and it's a good thing we did because he was about ready to get a new roommate. I'm so sorry for what I've done. It's true I didn't pay for it, and I was having fun at a friend's expense, but I was giving nothing back, and therefore taking advantage.

I'M SO SORRY DREW! I'LL NEVER LET IT HAPPEN AGAAIIIINNNNNN!!! '&__&, TT___TT ...

A truth

I find that in pretty much every case when fun is had, one must pay.

I had the most fun I've had in my life yesterday. I felt sincerely and unabashedly happy, joyous, ecstatic. That for pretty much the whole day.

...until I got in bed for sleep. I couldn't get comfortable, I couldn't stop thinking and just go the f k to sleep. When I woke up I had a terrible headache and feeling very sick. I even threw up on the way to school.

This is just one example but it happens all the time. And every time it feel like the two are exactly even, one never outweighs the other. So I'm afraid to have lots of fun, but can I do so without suffering monetary, comfort or lifestyle costs....

Is what I said before, that "life is about happiness... someone elses" true? Because it is possible to have fun at someone else's expense.

Perhaps if two people have fun together, and they both are sharing the cost then the fun can outweigh it. I think this must be true.

That's why people need friends.

The two things I long for

I want my love to be perfect. I want it to be so strong, so unyielding, so everlasting that it overshadows EVERYTHING. I want it to be more powerful than a rocket, or Niagara Falls or a nuclear reaction. And I don't want it to have an off switch. I want to be existent on a different level, to be taken as unlike anyone else in this world. I want to strike out on my own new plane of reality. I want to be the prototype of a new archetype for mankind. I want, and therefore demand, sheer perfection. Unadulterated and unbreakable, deep and sincere, genuine and unmarred, absolute love.

That is idealism. That is way beyond difficult. ...But that never stopped me before.

The other thing I want is my individuality. I admittedly take parts of my identity from a million different things, but that's what makes me unique; the combination of all the things I like and the exclusion of all the things I dislike. Based on what? My mere whim. Given anything, I take it, run what tests I will, and find at what level I find it aesthetically pleasing. (that is to say, I judge things) My basis is my moral, logical, and altruistic convictions. I refuse to be told by culture how I should behave or at what age I should act a certain way. I am who I am and I will have attributes you might find reminiscent of a kid, but I'll also have those of an older person, and those which fit my age. Same goes for social standing, religious beliefs, ethnicity, geographical location, and upbringing. I am all over the place, I cannot be lumped into any category that has ever existed.

That is realism. I hinder my growth if I let myself take a mentality that anything has been pre-decided for me.

To tie it all together I'll say this: I want to be uncontrollably and helplessly in love and I want to own my own place and have a real job, yet still be able to listen to MCR and Blink 182, and go tricking, and be obsessed with yoyoing and laugh for no other reason than the mere fact that some guy online was spinning around and it looked funny somehow to me.

Finally, I found my direction. Before I was looking for something that already existed, but that's not for me. From this point on, everything I do, I do because it's what I want and need to do to accomplish my purpose.

Instant graffitication

I like ice cream sandwiches. I'm going to eat one right now. Life is truly a deluge of ecstatic feelings.

...

(That's not the kind of thing people read blogs for. This is just me making sure nobody starts reading this blog)

Jane

It's Saturday. I'm surviving. Life is sincerely wonderful! ^________^

Tarzan

It's Thursday. I have no money and no job. I don't know what to do.

Not very interesting I know but...

It is for the better. I have decided to take a year off dating. The benefits of my intentions are as follows:

1. Re-assess myself and better myself as a man and become more wise and mature so as to have a more healthy and successful relationship next time.

2. Get out of debt/not waste tons of money.

3. Have more time for what really matters: video games. (yeah not seriously, but my actual life is just a big game, isn't it?)

4. I'm tired of having my heart broken and I can only stand one or two more before I frikin kill myself, so the next girl I am serious about I want to be forever.

5. I've freed up mental capacities that would have been wasted in those thoughts and I'm mentally healthier for it.

6. I don't see every girl as a potential something but as a person and it's easier to be socially stable.

That makes sense right?

Last one I promise

I don't like re-reading my dumb posts about my Autumn troubles, but I'm going to write one more (well, probably not though. But I'll try)

I know what I want.

She said I don't know what I want, but I have thought about it and I have hashed it out and it explains a lot.

I want someone who by being around them, I become a better person. Physically, mentally, and spiritually.

That's it. That is all. If they're fun, hot, funny, interesting, smart, socially comfortable, sane, etc. those are preferred but secondary. (And anyway those will be byproducts of the main goal.)

Now my task is this, to become the person that the person I'm looking for is looking for.

Closuer

Finally it's over and over for good.

It feels so freeing to be done with that relationship. I'm glad I finally decided and decided to leave it.

I've never felt it truer: getting back together is stupid because you broke up for a reason.

Now what? I don't know. But I can at least daydream about meeting an amazing girl.

Even though... those aren't real.

Dingbat

I still can't freaking make up my mind! I don't really care that much about her weight. Most likely she'll be pretty hot a year from now if she keeps a healthy lifestyle. and anyway, when people get old they look pretty disgusting no matter which way you look at it.

It's her maturity and intelligence that bothers me now. And even that is kinda stupid. I really should not begrudge her of the silly slogans she repeats or the misuse of the occasional word. I mean maybe she did eat a contraption rather than a concoction. I wasn't there, what do I know?

On the other hand, smart girls with a good way with words and broad scope of knowledge turn me waaaay on. And a mature girl with mature friends would make my life easier.

So, what's it going to be then, eh? (To quote my droog, Alex)

I'm thinking... ah screw it, I'm going to give up.

Xenon

I'm absolutely torn directly in two.

Autumn... how does she do this to me? I want abnegation from her so bad, and yet almost at the very same time I want complete unity with her.

The only things left that are repulsing me are her distance and her fat. She's changed her life so much since I've known her but I still don't want her as she is. Brutally honest, I know, but that's what it has come down to. I'm not going to make mistakes I've made before. I'm gonna be realistic.

Would it be unacceptable to refrain from getting back together with her until I'm physically attracted to her? and in the meantime pursue others? or is the mere fact that I think that way a portent of my flawed nature as a selfish bastid. I want it all! You can't begrudge me trying to get that! Even if I do have to break her heart, I tried my very hardest to avoid it, better than most guys would, I care; I swear I care!

I'll do it anyway, damn me!

Rock and roll... baby.

Hey what's up!

Right now I'm still out of the relationship. *officially*

But I'm about to go back. I just want her back dammit. I don't know why and I don't know if it's the smart, the calculating, the reasonable thing to do.

I'm gonna do it anyway, damn you.

Saint Xalentine's Day

Let's see. Here's the beef.

Saturday the 29th of January I broke up with Autumn in a deluge of tears and desperation, from both of us. I left as soon as I could tear myself away and cried all the way home.

I felt like crap for three days and had to do something so I went back Tuesday and we talked it over, we also kinda made-out it over.

Throughout the week I resolved to try to keep the breakup final, rather than give her hope. but I kinda didn't do a very good job of that. It's just so hard to say things that would hurt for her to hear. (I know I sound so wishy-washy, bleh!)

Today, valentine's-eve, I was over there and we hung out and did the whole "just friends" thing for a few hours, but I did it again. We ended up making out. It felt so good, but perhaps that because it felt so wrong.

Most of me is saying I don't want to be with Autumn forever. My body is saying, "Get what's right in front of you. Derp" Kissing is really good. But it isn't everything.

I'm like, on a knife's edge, do I keep her? or do I find someone new?

That's what's troubling me. I know it probably sounds kinda puerile, but writing it down has been therapeutic.

Nukes and Similar Games

I feel like I'm being told the a square peg will fit in a round hole if you want it to badly enough. I'm not very skeptical usually, but this... I doubt.

I forgot how powerful "Love" -or something like it- is.