This is Terrific!

Just kidding.

Right now -every day- I feel that my life is absolutely wrecked. There are moments when I can fake it or distract myself, but a feeling of failure permeates so deep it hurts.

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I don't want to forget that. Because I know in later days I will once again revel in a world of bright colors, rich tastes and truly pleasant feelings... and I want to hold on to whatever changes my life, setting it as my absolute priority. In other words I'll willingly hand over my soul to whatever grace saves me from the suffering I can now hardly abide.

Clearly the next logical step points toward acceptance of religion, the discovery of "true love", a philosophical epiphany, or something -anything- that has the power to dramatically alter this life I call my life.

It has just been so bleak recently, and all I want is for something to work. I try, really try, so...hard... to live life the way God wants, in my actions, thoughts, beliefs, and desires of my heart.... I don't know everything so I can't say that "it's not working", but, really... is this the way I'm going to feel on nights like this?

As for "Love". I'm so thirsty for love it's just sickening. Feels like I'm shutting down like one dying of dehydration. Sometimes I'm not so sure I can be revived, but I'm loath to give up hope. To be honest, I'm just not that good with girls, haha. But I've never been happier than the times when I had girlfriends. All two of them. XD So what can I do but continue to try, and try my best to learn how to be exactly what women love to love. (a.k.a. be a real man? Not one who writes about his dumb feelings on the internet? Yeah, something like that...)

I'll end this rather lugubrious (sorry) post by saying I just had to get those thoughts writ so I can sleep. I think I can slumber in relative peace now.